Most common belief around the institution of marriage is that it is quintessentially patriarchal by its very nature. Though love marriage finds a more open scope of finding a suitable and compatible partner for a modern ‘feminist’ woman, the options for finding a perfect partner through the more popular means of an arranged marriage set up gives fewer options to a Feminist Dulhaniyaa; due to a more conventional set up of marital expectations, where the ‘perfect’ bahu treats the husband like her god and the in- laws are kept on a very high pedestal.
But, as the times have changed so have the ideologies of the modern man, who ventures in the wedding market on various matrimonial sites for his one true companion. The negative connotations associated with the word ‘feminist’, is what scares many grooms, who, though may believe in equality among partners, but are scared to admit it to a judgmental society that expects certain behaviours out of an Indian groom.
Most women these days are choosing careers and academics, to be more independent and at par with their male counter parts.At this juncture many women are opting to delay marriages or decide to remain single instead of compromising on the standards that they set up for a perfect partner.
The need thus arises to bridge the gap between the needs of the modern women and the role that men need to play in order to survive a modern day marriage.
This brings us to the question. What does a Modern ‘Feminist’Dulhaniyaa want? If you are a clueless prospective suitor, who is lost on how to woo the woman of your dreams, here is a list of Top Eight things that a Feminist Bride wants.
Gone are the days when the men were the bread earners and women were the care takers of the house. The times when it was considered blasphemous for men to treat women as equal members of society with their own needs, dreams and hopes; and motherhood was the one true recognized aspiration, acceptable of a woman.
With the rise in awareness in the need to educate women, in society, the hope to be able to build a career has also arisen among women. This means that a woman shouldn’t have to seek permission to be able to choose her career after marriage too. While many traditional conventions suggest that after marriage, a woman’s career must take a back seat; the modern woman wants the liberty to make a decision whether she can continue to build upon her careerist aspirations, just like her partner.
More than anything, feminism is about freedom of choice and agency. If you consider yourself a true advocate of equality, you do not ‘permit’ your wife to make her decisions, she simply chooses to make them, and with careful consideration, both partners may find suitable support in one another. After all true companionship can only exist among equals.
For centuries, the skills of managing the household as opposed to the outside world have been seen to be more of gender roles and less of life skills. A woman who decides to join a man in matrimony is not a replacement for a house help. How is it that skills like cooking and hospitality when seen professionally, are associated with the men, but when it comes to day to day cooking and cleaning, it becomes a ‘feminine’ gender role. Being able to take care of one self and family is a trait seen as sexy in men, but necessity in women. God forbid a woman finds the tasks of housekeeping and cooking bothersome, she is considered an unimportant member of the society.
When a feminist bride chooses to share the burden of contributing to the finances of the house, all she expects in return is that the husband share the burden of housekeeping; after all the two individuals choose to run the household. It’s only fair that both share equal responsibilities, keeping aside the idea of what makes a ‘masculine’ man. If the partners both work 9-5 jobs, how is it fair that, only the woman is expected to come back home and also do extra domestic work.By sharing the load, one can increase the marital intimacy, while truly breaking free from stereotypical gender roles.
Very often the social expectation from a newlywed couple is that they must produce children within a few years of marriage. One may deny it as much as they want, but the kind of toll motherhood takes on a woman’s body and mental health, is incomparable to any other experience. At a time when women are giving more and more importance to their careers, a lot of women do not want to disrupt their career opportunities by diving head straight into motherhood. Moreover, the glorification of motherhood rips women of their humanistic existence and places them on a pedestal of the ultimate sacrifice maker. The question of bodily autonomy leads to three issues, one of choice to marry by a certain age (* we are all familiar with the recurrent social reminders of the woman’s body clock); the choice to have children within a certain period after the marriage; and the choice to actually be a mother or not.
“She is my wife; I have all the rights to do whatever I want with her”! Remember marital rape is still not a criminal offence under the IPC. This is the 21st century, and women are not any one’s property any more. Treating women like property is the sole reason that men assert their power over the female body, resorting to the old fashioned belief that, marriage gives one legal sanction over the woman’s sexuality Despite marriage, the woman is her own entity. She is entitled to retract consent at any time. Marriage is not a license of forever consent. If you truly consider yourself as someone who believes in equality and yet believe that your wife does not have the right to her own sexual decisions, you need to check yourself.
Ads in matrimonial columns such as “Wanted a Slim, Fair, Beautiful girl”, is one of the most common sights one encounters when one thinks about searching a bride. The treatment of the woman as a commodity, with judgement based on appearances, is what leads to an unequal marriage. We want our men to be well educated and financially stable, but all we want our women to be is the epitome of beauty, one that can be showed off as a prize in society. A girl’s academic achievements, and career aspirations are few of the last things on the minds of people looking to get their sons married. This is not only problematic from the perspective of the impossible beauty standards it sets on women, it also leads to post marriage compatibility issue. Most often women who are younger are considered desirable by both younger and older men. If this inherent lack of looking at women as more than objects of beauty and affection is not enough, the commodification is further intensified by disrespectful practices such as dowry and gift giving. What a true ‘modern’ feminist bride wants is, to be recognized for her qualities as an individual beyond her worth as an object of adoration.
Any individual in their sane mind can easily see that a feminist bride seeks basic human rights and an opportunity to live her happiest life to her full potential. If parents and grooms don’t accommodate these needs of the changing times, it won’t be long before the institution of marriage becomes more and more obsolete with time.
Women have often been imposed with the rules of adorning themselves with symbols of matrimony. Be it the ‘sindoor’, ‘mangalsutra’, ‘taali’, ‘bichiya’, ‘chuda’, ‘bindi’, ‘bangles’ and so on. These symbols in the past were a way to keep track in society about which women are married and thus belong to another, while absence of the symbols meant that the girl was available to be approached. While women have had to wear so many symbols to indicate their marital status, men have never had to adorn a physical proof of their matrimony. The women of today see this as an unfair practice. This comes from the belief that why do only women need to prove their unavailability as married women in society. Why must they go around parading their marital status for everyone to see. This uncalled for display of matrimony makes them feel like a property of their husbands, that have been branded by the symbols of ‘suhaag’, and so the modern ‘feminist’ bride’ is rejecting the symbols of matrimony.
As soon as we are born, our first identity marker is the name that is given to us by our parents. In the ancient time, since the bread winner and the owner of all the property and children were men, the only names that found importance in society were those of men. Thus, after marriage, the women moved as property of their fathers (using the father’s surname), to become property of their husbands. This worked well when women did not identify as individuals in a patriarchal society and only existed as secondary citizen- like extensions of the male members of their family. With time, as women started achieving an identity of their own, by stepping out of the house and started being recognized as separate individuals; many women found themselves closely attached to the identity provided to them at birth. This is so because the negation of their pre-marriage identity implied a sense of loss of belonging and individuality. With this comes the choice of wanting to stick to their maiden names. Though it cannot be denied that the name given to a woman at birth too is an extension of her father’s identity, women do not want to lose themselves after marriage and so they want to continue to keep their maiden names
